SATURDAY 22nd DECEMBER
10:50 Ch4 The Mixtape: inconsequential 'backstage' clips of the year's movers and shakers. Plus "uploaded home-grown content". Make your own programmes!
12:55 Ch4 Scissor Sisters Live At The O2 Arena
14:00 R2 The Spice Girls In Concert: from the current run of O2 shows, where by all accounts Victoria (and note how all papers now refer to the band as "Posh Spice and co") got the biggest screams and did the least work. You could write a thesis just about that.
15:00 R2 Russell Brand Meets The Spice Girls: and let's face it, Mo Dutta was never in the running.
19:15 ITV1 Britain Sings Christmas: "A choir of 20 celebrities including Jo Brand, Kim Wilde and Antony Costa perform Britain's favourite Christmas songs in aid of The Prince's Trust. Backed by The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, the choir perform a selection of old and new classics including Fairytale of New York and Silent Night." Fairytale Of New York! The only possible reason for watching this is to see if they use The Keating Getout.
19:45 BBC2 TOTP2: the brand's only brought out for special occasions now, and doubtless you've seen all these performances many times already.
20:00 Dave Later... with Jools Holland: Mercury Rev, Alicia Keys, Travis, Kosheen, and Doudou Cissoko.
20:00 R2 Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour: on dogs.
20:00 R4 The Archive Hour: the history of the virtuoso. Whatever that really is.
21:15 ITV1 An Audience With Celine Dion
22:10 BBC3 The Most Annoying People of The Year 2007: amazingly aren't the unknown circuit comedians being talking heads. Obviously there'll be music content, but we mention it primarily for being part one of two (the second at 21:00 on Sunday), covering numbers 100 to 51! This is just anyone who's been covered in magazines in 2007, isn't it?
00:25 Ch4 Video Exclusive - The Feeling
00:30 Ch4 Keane Live At The O2 Arena: and here we see the comparative bankability of 2005's highest selling debut album artists.
02:35 BBC3 Radio 1 On Three: well, evidently Danny Cohen trusts this idea. Literally it's Scott Mills' show in a Howard Stern-style delayed simulcast, only even more self-indulgent.
SUNDAY 23rd DECEMBER
09:15 BBC1 Christmas Voices: featuring Kate Rusby.
12:15 Ch4 Mobileact Unsigned - The Live Final: The remaining bands aim to become the new FMB in the final of the "X-Factor antidote" that's far more short-termist and insidious than anything Cowell's ever brought to air. Seriously, if you were any good, you'd have been signed by now.
14:30 R2 Pick Of The Pops: Dale Winton steals our idea by looking at Christmas charts of olden days, to be precise 1970 (Dave Edmunds, Clive Dunn, Ken Dodd) and 1993 (Mr Blobby, K7, Chaka Demus & Pliers featuring Jack Radics & Taxi Gang).
19:00 R1 Radio 1 Chart Show: Indications are that Malcolm Middleton might miss the top 40 altogether, which says more about Web 2.0 and the actual reach of music fans on the web than a million special broadsheet sections. Lucky Soul aren't even in the midweek top 200.
23:15 BBC1 Liverpool Nativity: the terrestrial repeat of the follow-up to the Manchester Passion, which gets bogged down by a) trying to convey the City Of Culture stuff and b) being badly written and thought out generally. Bouncing Babies and Seven Minutes To Midnight, though.
MONDAY 24th DECEMBER
10:15 Ch4 Girls Aloud - Live and Lovely: We'll be the judges of that.
13:00 R2 Junior Choice with Ed Stewart: this was brought back for the fortieth birthday celebrations and proved so popular, although judging by a playlist featuring Ernie The Fastest Milkman In The West, Sparky's Magic Piano and Puff The Magic Dragon not entirely with kids, that it's back for another one-off. Go on, play Terry Scott's My Bruvva.
14:30 R2 Christmas in Motown
16:00 6 Music Steve Lamacq: with a pop quiz! Hopefully like the sprawling and alcohol-fuelled ones he used to do every Christmas on the Evening Session.
19:00 R1 Radio 1 Presents Kaiser Chiefs: in Doncaster in February.
19:00 R2 Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour: on the moon. As it were.
21:00 R1 Steve Lamacq's Best Of In New Music We Trust
21:00 R2 The Charles Hazlewood Christmas Show: the Super Furry Animals join assorted classical musicians.
21:00 6 Music Bob Dylan Christmas Special
22:10 BBC4 Last Man In Hammersmith Palais: it closed down in April, and artists, including Mick Jones and Elvis Costello, and gig-goers recall great nights from its 88 year history.
00:00 R2 Christmas Chillout: Sally Rodgers and Chris Coco do four hours of chillout. For a Radio 2 audience?
TUESDAY 25th DECEMBER
09:00 R2 Christmas Wogan
10:00 R1 The Chris Moyles Christmas Day Show
10:35 C4 Kylie Showgirl Homecoming Tour
13:00 R1 Kylie Minogue's Christmas Special: David Tennant, who seems to have devoted two months of his life to shepherding her through radio and TV specials, helps Minogue play some of her favourite songs.
13:00 R2 Elton John Red Piano Concert
13:30 BBC1 Top of The Pops Christmas Special: so they are running with it being a One Man And His Dog-esque once a year fixture, and to really rub it in it's presented by those who took it down a year and a half ago, Fearne and Reggie.
15:00 R1 Radio 1 Established 1967: filling six difficult hours, the best of the special anniversary legend-fronted shows.
15:05 R2 David Beckham's Line of Enquiry: Kate Thornton asks "what listeners want to hear from the former England captain". What kind of fuckery is this?
17:00 R2 Mark Lamarr: the one traditional live Christmas Day BBC radio show.
18:50 BBC1 Doctor Who: with Kylie, as you may be aware. The making of is on BBC3 at 20:30.
19:00 R2 Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour: weddings.
19:15 R4 Inside the Cavern: Midge Ure - but of course! - revisits the now knocked down and moved down the road a bit club and talks to its alumni.
21:00 R1 Westwood's Best Of In New Music We Trust
21:00 6 Music Siouxsie Special
21:30 R4 Songs Your Godmother Should Know: Chris Difford and Tom Robinson help compile the songs everyone should have heard.
22:00 6 Music: Tony Wilson Tribute With Paul Morley: yes, Morley's name is in the title, as he interviews friends and acquaintances and rifles through the BBC archive. It's followed at midnight by Wilson's DJ clash with Alan McGee for 6 Mix last year, despite how it reminds listeners that the last band Wilson really championed were Enter Shikari.
WEDNESDAY 26th DECEMBER
10:00 R1 Jo Whiley's Best of Glastonbury 2007
10:00 6 Music Mark Lamarr: his annual completely random Boxing Day 6 Music morning slot.
11:00 C4 Jake's Adventures in Dollywood: following exactly where Graham Norton went the other year, Jake Shears meets Dolly Parton. Presumably that attempt at her being taken more seriously didn't work out.
16:00 R2 Sgt Peppers 40th Anniversary: the remake about as well regarded already as the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton Sgt Pepper film, but never mind.
19:00 R1 Radio 1 Presents White Stripes: from a day-long celebration in June.
19:00 R2 Paul McCartney - BBC Electric Proms: it's always fascinating when you hear of stars playing 'intimate gigs' and they invariably turn out to be at the Roundhouse or Shepherd's Bush Empire, possibly the two least intimate venues in London.
19:00 6 Music 40th Anniversary of The Magical Mystery Tour: Stuart Maconie spends three hours, curiously with guests Neil Innes and Roger Ruskin Spear of the Bonzos, trawling over the mad unscripted Beatles film that has acted more as inspiration for band and stage names latterly (Buster Bloodvessel, Death Cab For Cutie, 4 Or 5 Magicians)
21:00 R1 Huw Stephens' Best Of In New Music We Trust
22:00 R2 Jason and Iyare's A-Z of Street Music: no idea who they are, but they're introducing the station's listeners to cutting edge urban music, apparently including Rhianna, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Craig David and Amy Winehouse. Digging deep, then.
THURSDAY 27th DECEMBER
10:00 R1 Jo Whiley's Best Of The Live Lounge: oh, are the skinny indie boys going to do a pop or R&B hit on acoustic guitars? Oh, no, it's a pop band who are going to do a Kaiser Chiefs song.
16:00 6 Music Steve Lamacq: including the best of Round Table.
19:00 R1 Radio 1 Presents My Chemical Romance: they went live in April.
21:00 R1 Pete Tong's Best Of In New Music We Trust
21:00 BBC4 Dance Britannia: a three-part series through Friday and Saturday at this time, and it's the latter two you want to be watching for rock'n'roll and dance culture.
FRIDAY 28th DECEMBER
10:10 Ch4 Mika Live In Paris
SATURDAY 29th DECEMBER
14:00 6 Music David Quantick: "it's all just a load of arse, really, isn't it?"
18.40 ITV3 Queen - Live In Rio: Day, and moreover, oh.
20:00 Dave Later With Jools Holland: the one featuring the White Stripes' UK TV debut, also with Muse, Jamiroquai, Super Furry Animals, US3 and Thea Gilmore.
SUNDAY 30th DECEMBER
14:30 R2 Pick of The Pops: 1964, Twinkle's infamous Terry appearing somewhere below I Feel Fine, and 1986, the year of Reet Petite and Caravan of Love.
16:00 R1 Radio 1's Chart Show with Fearne and Reggie: the chart of the year.
21:00 Ch4 Big Fat Quiz of The Year: Lily Allen's turn to take the female patsy role.
23:15 BBC1 Radio 2's Music Club: highlights of a special concert featuring - hold on now - James Blunt, KT Tunstall, The Hoosiers and Newton Faulkner.
00:00 R1 Rob Da Bank's Review Of The Year
SUNDAY 31st DECEMBER
11:00 Ch4 Lily Allen: Still Alright?: clever title, but given it's a record company commission, what do you think?
19:00 BBC1 Spice Girls - Giving You Everything: probably not as popular a new year choice as the BBC might have believed when they commissioned it, but they got the 'no holds barred' documentary before ITV did.
19:00 R1 Radio 1's New Year Party with Scott Mills
19:00 6 Music Adam & Joe
22:00 R1 The Radio 1 New Year Party Mix
22:00 6 Music Queens Of Noize: looks like the traditional 6 Music Biggest Indie Disco Ever has been jettisoned in this free-thinking, forward-moving, fast-living, George Lamb era of the station, so it's these two through midnight. With guests, luckily, including Johnny Flynn, the Mystery Jets and Kid Harpoon.
23:05 BBC2 Jools's Annual Hootenanny: from the BBC press pack: "The Hootenanny is an idealised New Year's Eve party with a line-up that would surely be impossible to deliver on 31 December. The stellar cast and audience are, therefore, assembled to record the show in mid-December." So cautious, the BBC now, aren't they? Guests are Paul McCartney, Kylie Minogue, Mika, Kaiser Chiefs, Madness, Kate Nash, Eddie Floyd, Seasick Steve, Raul Midon, Duffy and, er, Robbie Coltrane.
23:10 BBC1 New Year Live: it was here last year that Sophie Ellis-Bextor made her big return to the pop world only for someone to forget to turn her mike on for half the song. Obviously nobody should laugh should the same happen to Katie Melua or Richard Fleeshman.
23:15 ITV1 Countdown To Midnight: meanwhile Take That and the Sugababes are at the O2 Arena. Ticket price: 250 of your English!
00:00 R1 Radio 1's New Year Mix: live clubbing from all over the place. Pendulum at 4am.
TUESDAY 1st JANUARY
07:00 R1 Chris Moyles' All-Day Breakfast: Twelve hours of the year's highlights. Wonderful.
13:00 6 Music Nemone: PJ Harvey pops by.
19:00 R1 New For 2008: And five hours of Adele, if they could get away with it.
21:00 R2 Happy New Year The Ultimate ABBA Chart: Sir Tim Rice walks through the back catalogue. Again.
22:40 BBC3 Almost Famous: a revival of Before They Were Famous, but with Alex Zane talking over all the five second clips. Pete Doherty features, but you already know what clip.
01:10 BBC4 Bruce Springsteen With The Sessions Band Live in Dublin: the Sessions Band being the one that toured his Pete Seeger covers album.
02:10 BBC4 BBC Four Sessions - Ryan Adams
WEDNESDAY 2nd JANUARY - basically, by and large the switch is turned back off and we're nearly back to normal with the schedules, but it's too late to stop now. Holiday On The Buses is on ITV3.
19:00 R1 Radio 1 Presents Arctic Monkeys: live highlights and so forth.
20:00 R2 Mark Radcliffe and Stuart Maconie: the best of 2007's sessions.
22:00 R2 Mark Lamarr's Alternative Sixties
00:10 Ch4 First Cut: the story behind the Thriller-dancing prisoners YouTube clip. They do loads more too.
THURSDAY 3rd JANUARY
11:30 R4 Metal at 40: Emily Booth - what, the one who does cult horror films? - explores the history of heavy metal and sub-genres therein. On Radio 4.
19:00 BBC1 Celebrity Mastermind: including Spoony! No idea what his specialist subject is, sadly. We'd rather see the green room, given Brian Sewell is a fellow contestant.
19:00 R1 Radio 1 Presents Foo Fighters: their Brighton gig from the summer. Thing is, Radio 1 are putting on a live broadcast of a Wembley gig next summer too. Leave 'em alone!
21:00 BBC2 Never Mind The Buzzcocks: Kate Nash, Antony Costa, Martin Freeman and Matt Horne.
21:00 R1 Colin Murray's Black Hole: three hours of stuff he found on the net.
23:30 R4 California Dreaming: repeat of a two-parter, the second on Friday at the same time, in which Andy Parfitt tells the story of the Laurel Canyon scene of Joni, the Eagles, Buffalo Springfield, CSNY, Jim Morrison, the Mamas and the Papas, Carole King and so forth.
FRIDAY 4th JANUARY
20:10 BBC4 Expresso Bongo: it's Cliff Richard night on BBC4! Starting with a musical film adaptation in which Cliff is a bongo player called Bongo. Simpler times.
22:00 BBC4 Pop Britannia: It's about time the Britannia umbrella series got round to this, we say. Starting with the invention of rock'n'roll from the light entertainment morass to just before the Beatles hit.
23:00 BBC4 The Young Ones: in which Cliff and pals try to save their youth club from an unscrupulous millionaire property developer. That plot's been dusted off a few times since.
23:35 BBC2 The Culture Show: a Sigur Ros special to tie in with that live film they did, including a rare interview and newly filmed live stuff.
00:45 BBC4 Still Cliff: a profile featuring contributions from Cilla Black, Des O'Connor, Rod Stewart, Pete Waterman, Westlife and Girls Aloud, some of whom you suspect might be thinking in more ironic terms than others.