The only chart that counts

Nicked from William Hill, the latest odds for the Christmas number one:

9-4 Westlife & Diana Ross
Clearly believing in the all-out approach for the big chart, Louis Walsh, who surely has enough already on his plate at the moment - actually, were you aware Westlife were back at all? - and Miss Ross do a Julio Iglesias song. Perfect for children wearing mittens waving tinsel.

5-2 Crazy Frog
In a desperate final attempt to drain the last drops out of the rapidly fading fad, 'he' is doing a single which Gusto are trying desperately to keep the identity of a secret. It's Jingle Bells. As Lord High Admiral to the Sarky Simon off No Rock'n'Roll Fun points out, Jamster have already made an arse of the PR too. Don't forget Popcorn only made number 12, although it's just followed Axel F to number one in New Zealand.

3-1 G4 Feat. Robin Gibb
What fresh hell is this? Not so much Vesuvius versus Krakatoa as geyser meets four Standard rockets, they're renting air asunder with When a Child is Born.

7-1 Winner Of X Factor
Well, at the moment it's seemingly an attempt to find someone with less chance of sustained success than Steve Brookstein. Apparently the winner will be announced days before Christmas, so don't save up to put money on this.

8-1 Tony Christie
Slade's Merry Christmas Everyone, which actually might survive its mauling by big band until when the vocal kicks in, when it's a different story. We'd like to hear him do the big shout, of course. Guess what's reprised on the B-side. By the way, a Christmas related song hadn't topped the festive chart since 1990 before Band Aid 20.

8-1 James Blunt
Six down, and we get to the first new song. Ladies and gentlemen, pop music in 2005. Goodbye My Lover, which by some accounts makes You're Beautiful sound like Caught Out There.

10-1 Girls Aloud
As if to prove the adage about a band that works hard being well received in the pop fraternity, they're releasing singles in November and December. The latter is called See The Day, a D C Lee cover. And let's face it, in the modern vogue for 80s referencing you can't do much better than reviving D C Lee.

12-1 Robbie Williams
Last year's Christmas single Misunderstood holds a special place for us, in that we don't think we ever heard it. Advertising Space, the big orchestral number off his new album, is his latest go.

12-1 The Choir Boys
Hats off to Declan Galbraith! In what was probably called Choir Idol by twats, three 11/12 year olds were picked out after a search of church choirs nationwide, signed to a half million contract and launched with a cover of Tears In Heaven for the NSPCC's benefit. Aled Jones is their co-manager, presumably in the same way Simon Webbe was VS' co-manager.

12-1 Rosetta Life featuring Billy Bragg
This is the song written by cancer stricken Maxine Edgington which Bragg added music to. For Dorset cancer care, it's a heartwarming tale that unfortunately has no place in this list as it's released on October 31st.

12-1 Liberty X
Doing A Night To Remember and I Can Make You Feel Good, just to make sure, for Children In Need. Might just hang around for a bit given that.

16-1 Sugababes
Taller In More Ways?!? They're releasing Ugly, a title just asking for trouble.

20-1 Kaiser Chiefs & Bloc Party
Hold hard here, as the team-up of Britain's liveliest and grumpiest What They Used To Call Indie bands as reported some months ago never came to be beyond possibly drunken discussions. Compare to how Ricky Gervais was in last year's book for ages because there was a CD given away on limited edition versions of The Office DVD and lots of people got the wrong end of the stick and wouldn't let it lie.

20-1 Patrolman Pete
A name that's only turning up on Google searches in terms of Christmas betting. Possibly it's to do with the AA's official mascot, but don't hold us to that.

20-1 Take That
20-1 John Lennon
Take That are releasing a greatest hits album; it's 65 years since Lennon's birth and 25 since his death. These are speculative efforts.

25-1 Pussycat Dolls
Proving life is a cabaret, a single called Beep. Lord, imagine what local commercial radio DJs will do with that.

25-1 Mary J Blige
She's not even had a top ten single for three and a half years, so One doesn't stand a great chance. We'd rather hoped this would be the single.

25-1 Kelly Clarkson
Stand by, self-aware bloggers, Because Of You is coming out. The big ballad about her family, not a Dexys cover.

33-1 Charlotte Church
Show A Little Faith has been mooted, but if there's a solid release planned it's strange she's only considered down here.

33-1 Rachel Stevens
21, more like.

33-1 Coldplay
Talk is set for only two weeks before The Biggest Chart Of The Year, which is a lot later than the dates of some singles you see above.

33-1 McFly
This seems low too for The Ballad of Paul K, the 'mature' one off the album.

33-1 Nizlopi
Cult acoustic duo who... um...probably have a mate who works in William Hill's PR department. They're re-releasing small scale viral video hit JCB, for what it's worth.

33-1 Daniel Powter
No idea.

40-1 Mariah Carey
Don’t You Forget About Us, apparently a brand new track. She must have some new hot pants she wants to try out.

40-1 Franz Ferdinand
Walk Away, chiefly of note so far for an Ealing comedy-referencing video.

40-1 Will Young
40-1 Lemar
40-1 Kylie Minogue
40-1 Elton John
40-1 Beyonce
40-1 The Darkness
You're just guessing now. Kylie? In her current state?

50-1 Madonna
Hung Up's out on the 7th November, which seems a stretch.

50-1 Elvis Presley
There are strong rumours that BMG/RCA are to re-release all Elvis' original number two singles from the start of next year, which would just be taking the piss, never mind the natural reaction to Elvis' number twos.

50-1 Gwen Stefani
BlueSquare have Marvin Gaye, for some reason, and Antony & The Johnsons, who are/is releasing You Are My Sister in December but can only be there because they've heard vaguely of them, at this price too. Still, at least that story about Andrew Flintoff releasing a Christmas single seemingly came to nothing.