Teutonic inefficiency

Another of our occasional visits into the international singles markets is afoot, this time around based on ironic pop culture lateral thinking - if Hasselhoff's having hits in Britain, who's having hits in Germany?

20 Vibekingz feat. Maliq - Like The Wind
They like their dance remakes in Germany, this being based on Patrick 'Patrick Swayze?!' Swayze's She's Like The Wind. Further down the top 100 we find a remix of Kim Wilde's You Came, DJ Otzi Junior (good lord) reworking I Am The Music Man with horrors we can only imagine, the Jan Hammer Project Featuring TQ's Crockett's Theme and, most excitingly, Shaun Baker Vs Laid Back's Bakerman. Oh, you do, it was the chilled Eurodance one from the start of the 90s with the skydiving video. Now, if Laibach had ever been reworked in a dance style...

19 Robbie Williams - Rudebox
Tomorrow Victoria Newton will exclusively reveal that Rudebox contains some cover versions.

18 Liza Li - Ich Könnte Dich Erschießen
A lot of these German language hits are on YouTube, which is how we can state with some accuracy that this seems to be the Deutschland Amy Studt.

17 Rapsoul feat. Vanessa Jean Dedmon - Sonnenschein
"You're a Dedmon, Vanessa!" Sorry. Rapsoul pretty much give the game away with the name and that kind of rapping that went out of fashion everywhere else when PM Dawn gave up.

16 Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
Still? After making two videos for their first two singles Gnarls have now issued two videos for seperate tracks on the album, one of which will be the single, but they don't seem sure which one that will be yet. It befits their split personality persona, we suppose.

15 Marquess - El Temperamento
One day the world will tire of Spanish guitar-led faux-sunshine pop with a hugely obvious chorus lead-in a la Mysterious Girl. One day...

14 Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous

13 Soccx - From Dusk Till Dawn (Get The Party Started)
Come on, what do you think it sounds like? Actually, no, it's seemingly a German shot at the Pussycat Dolls formula, with TV support and Swedish production to go.

12 Chamillionaire - Ridin'
Weird Al Yankovic's White And Nerdy is somehow on The Box playlist. Good luck, pop kids!

11 Lemon Ice - Stand By Me
We really are running out of band names fast, aren't we? At least this one has gone to one of the worst things we've ever heard, which seems to be Ben E King covered in the Another Level style. German urban pop - where it's always going to be 2000.

10 Xavier Naidoo - Danke
Been around for years on the continent, has the Naidoo, but over a distinguished if localised career he can surely have never stooped as low before as - and we promise you, this is true - a tribute to the German World Cup team. A team that finished third, you may recall.

9 P Diddy feat. Nicole Scherzinger - Come To Me
From Press Play, an album that features everyone in the world as guests.

8 Fergie - London Bridge
Her included. It'd be quite good if she'd been kept away from writing any of it, this, wouldn't it?

7 Yvonne Catterfeld - Erinner Mich Dich Zu Vergessen
A name that screams secretary but in fact belongs to, yes, a former soap actress. At least it's not uptempo dance.

6 Juli - Dieses Leben
Proving that female fronted soulless faux-rock may be America's actual greatest export. Although there's a man dressed as Napoleon in the video, which always counts for something.

5 Justin Timberlake - Sexyback
Surely sexy was already here.

4 Pink - U + Ur Hand
Text messaging is destroying subtlety.

3 Rihanna - Unfaithful
Look on and despair, Blu Cantrell.

2 Scissor Sisters - I Don't Feel Like Dancin'
Like Bush in reverse they're making a tiny impact in America long after going stellar this side of the water. Who'd have thought in the land of Dave Matthews that this wouldn't immediately catch on, eh? Elton John, meanwhile, has apparently moved on to touting Breaks Co-Op as his band of the days.

1 Silbermond - Das Beste
Like a German Evanescence without the effort of going full-on, it's a rock power ballad par excellence that definitely reminds us of something that was a big female-fronted rock power ballad hit from the early 90s, the guitar solo coming in at 3:55 in a 4:30 song. Brilliant singer name, mind: Stefanie 'Pony' Kloß. That's the Chalets' gag you've nicked!