Confessions on a chartfloor

1 Madonna - Hung Up
Put it away, luv. If nothing else, and in this case it's nearly literally so, she's stayed true to the spirit of small gigs by big names - most huge acts who announce 'intimate club gigs' book Brixton Academy or Shepherd's Bush Empire. If you're counting, this is Number One #1022, which puts it just outside the spectrum of How To Have 1000 Number Ones The Easy Way.

3 Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
Imagine if this became all they were remembered for.

4 Girls Aloud - Biology
An intro possibly inspired by a Nokia preset ringtone leads into the usual freeze-dried layered pop, this time so layered they help you see the joins too. Nadine definitely messed up the vocal cue at the Poll Winners' yesterday.

5 Will Young - Switch It On
Of "bloody hell, this is Will Young?" fame. A nation of middle aged mothers says "bring back the light jazz!"

6 Liberty X - A Night To Remember
The Children In Need single, seemingly picked out of a hat as it's hardly memorable otherwise. At one point on the night they were corralled into the BBC car park to sign a car to be given away, all donning massive coats, apart from Jessica, who was wearing hot pants. There's exuding sexiness, and then there's looking stupid.

8 The Darkness - One Way Ticket
Apt that they should come back in the same week as Little Britain, as it's one joke spread out for far too long. We never did quite work out how many people were claiming irony two years ago.

10 White Stripes - The Denial Twist
Aided by the live download offer/chart scam. Is there some ulterior reason why this has come out straight after the similarly blues piano/cymbal/tambourine-indebted My Doorbell?

13 Son Of Dork - Ticket Outta Loserville
You're not from New York City, you're from Southend. James Bourne, perhaps the last man in the country who believes Busted could have continued along the same path for a while longer yet, makes so much like the wing of US pop-punk that doesn't sell here that he's had a New Found Glory t-shirt soldered to his skin. (NB. Wikipedia claims Charlie Simpson's guitar style is "reminiscent of Tom Verlaine")

17 Green Day - Jesus Of Suburbia
In which they realise they've become popular with the kids and release the nine minute track with five phases. Doesn't work, but then we doubt the kids are noticing the political aspirations therein either.

29 Arcade Fire - Wake Up
John Harris in the Guardian becomes the only person in Britain not to notice Funeral's already getting plenty of Album Of The Year notices.

30 Towers Of London - How Rude She Was
Are you still here?

35 The Modern - Jane Falls Down
An electropop outfit, which is handy as if there was an artrock band with that name we'd all be obliged to beat them to death with tyre irons.

46 Cream vs The Hoxtons - Sunshine Of Your Love
See, when you're wholesale sampling a record for dance hit purposes, make it one the ironic 80s kids remember!