Thursday, December 22, 2005

The only chart that counts (6/6)

We hear Nizlopi sold almost 50k in the first two days of this week, so let's not think Walsh and his minions can ensure a Christmas chart carve-up this year, this will be a real battl...eh? What? Oh. Ah well. In 2000, the last of our Christmas chart recaps, television also beat individualism to the festive summit, albeit in a very different sense:

1 Bob The Builder - Can We Fix It?
Everyone's seemingly forgotten how big Bob was at this time, when celebrities were allegedly queueing up to voice characters and people even learned to like Neil Morrissey. A bit. Voiced by someone else in the US on Nick Jr, apparently.

2 Eminem featuring Dido - Stan
So what happened was every review of The Marshall Mathers LP mentioned this as the song that turned the man's public perception on its head in style, which was fine. Then Jo Whiley picked up on it and eventually the label were badgered into putting it out as a single, leading to a) alleged Eminem quotes in the Mirror dissing the above and b) White Flag by Dido. We've not forgiven her for the acting in the video yet.

3 S Club 7 - Never Had A Dream Come True
See, Rachel did sell records once. This had been their second number one, aided by big white coats in the video. What did happen to Paul's nu-metal band he left to pursue the dreams for?

4 Robbie Williams - Supreme
The one with the video about his rivalry with Jackie Stewart. Why Jackie Stewart? He promoted it with an appearance on Jools, during which he was due to deliver a heartfelt seated acoustic lament until preceding band At The Drive-In stole and broke his seat.

5 Baha Men - Who Let The Dogs Out
Usually they dealt in a type of Bahamian folk called, excellently, 'junkanoo'. Somehow it's difficult to imagine the Incredible String Band going all calypso disco with a song based on an advertising jingle.

6 Leann Rimes - Can't Fight The Moonlight
Her sole number one, from the appalling film Coyote Ugly, and the sort of thing it's worth citing whenever you hear praise for the 80s production values revival manque.

7 Destiny's Child - Independent Women Part 1
So then, Beyonce or Guy?

8 Public Domain - Operation Blade
"Bass in the place, London!" Yeah, that. Later made a record with Chuck D, which is we believe the universal rule of oneupmanship can work in reverse might explain why Flavor Flav did The Farm.

9 Tweenies - Number 1
Number 6, actually, haw haw haw haw haw. The first of five top 40 singles for Iain Lauchlin's oversized preschool behemoths, once interviewed on Danny Baker's BBC London breakfast show, wherein Milo launched into Smoke On The Water.

10 Brave Kylie Minogue - Please Stay
This caused very minor controversy when released instead of Your Disco Needs You, a track that seemingly attempts to prove on its own that the only music gay men like is disco.

11 Britney Spears - Stronger
When people still liked her and she wasn't going hilariously insane with such diva-esque lunatic actions like driving a car, buying groceries and calling her new born boy Sean.

12 Wyclef featuring Mary J Blige - 911
You have to wonder why the Fugees are touring again - no, none of them seem bothered about hitmaking any more, but given everyone knows they hate each other and Fugees live gigs were never the most solid proposition the first time round it can't augur well.

13 Madonna - Don't Tell Me
The video that singlehandedly failed to launch a cowboy gear fashion fad.

14 Craig - At This Time Of Year
Shortly after winning the first Big Brother Craig Phillips signed a five album deal with WEA. Craig Phillips was signed by a major label to a five album deal, who then declared "I do not sign people to five-album deals just because they were in a popular TV series. I have signed Craig because he is very talented singer and fans will buy his records because of that." That's why nobody trusts major labels with their money. At least it's 59 places up on Nichola, whose disco placenta The Game couldn't even make an impact when released straight after the event. Holt was recently discovered to be selling her body to men of a night.

15 Craig David - Walking Away
Still thought of as two-step at this stage. What fools we all look in retrospect.

16 Da Muttz - Wassup
Nothing says 2000 more than people going "wasssuuuuup?" in offices. You wouldn't think you'd be able to fit much of a tune around it, but... well, evidently not.

17 Westlife - My Love
"With this single, Westlife equalled The Beatles' record of most number ones for consecutive releases (seven). They become the first act to debut at no.1 with all of their first seven singles. ITV 'Song Of The Year' 2000." (EveryHit). Louis Walsh bought a car with a bigger boot.

18 Sonique - I Put A Spell On You
Famously began by singing over the breaks she was spinning as a big shot DJ, which you wouldn't accept from anyone if not monged on happy pills. Eventually became dancefloor diva. Now mostly forgotten. There's not even any superclubs for her to go back and play at.

19 Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit
A track so big it came with its own traction, it survived interpolating a Cameo song that isn't the famous one. Of course ODB's releasing posthumous new albums.

20 Sisqo - Incomplete
Thong Song lothario who apparently has been stepping out with Samantha Mumba of late, presumably happy talking about the old days.

21 Storm - Storm Animal

22 Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight
Have they gone yet?

23 Ronan Keating - The Way You Make Me Feel
24 Warp Brothers Vs Aquagen - Phatt Bass

25 Billie Piper - Walk Of Life
Here's how a life in the spotlight works. This was the first single for which Billie introduced her surname fully into proceedings. As this was a new entry, she was dropped afterwards. During the promotion she met Chris Evans. Had she not had her singing career curtailed but her fame quotient subsequently increased, she probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to start acting. Had she not started acting, the country would be openly laughing at Jennifer Ellison for thinking she could be a Dr Who actress.

26 Ricky Martin - She Bangs
They're not big on double entrende in Puerto Rica.

27 Green Day - Warning
Punk Levellers, they said of this sound. Billie Joe seems to have taken it literally.

28 Daft Punk - One More Time
This was about the point at which we realised that yes, we were alone in hating this. Don't worry, we're used to it.

29 Jay-Z - I Just Wanna Love You
30 Artful Dodger featuring Lifford - Please Don't Turn Me On
31 Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me
32 Bomfunk MC's - Up Rocking Beats
33 Darude - Feel The Beats
34 Lionel Richie - Don't Stop The Music
35 Kandi - Don't Think I'm Not

36 Keith'n'Shane - Girl You Know It's True
Duffy and Lynch, the boozy sidemen of Boyzone, essentially taking the piss but forgetting to tell anyone they were doing so. Is Shane still racing sportscars quite well?

37 Robbie Williams & Kylie Minogue - Kids
They never went out, of course. Like they used to say Kylie and Jason never dated.

38 A1 - Same Old Brand New You
One of those boy bands that seemed ten a penny in the late 90s except they managed two number ones from somewhere, this being the second. Then they started playing their instruments, shortly before - go on, guess - getting dropped. Ben Adams was supposed to be the next Robbie earlier this year, promptly heading exactly the same way as every other next Robbie.

39 True Party - Whazzup
Isn't it always so annoying to be beaten to the punch?

40 Melanie C - If That Were Me
"I couldn't live without my phone/But you don't even have a home". And she wonders why nobody takes her solo career seriously any more. We'll also mention Outkast's ridiculous, much hyped Bombs Over Baghdad peaking at 61 and think that, you know, we must do all this again some time.

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