In the meantime there was in our eyes only one way to bring this feature to a shuddering, uncomfortable halt, and that's through the auspices of Colonel Knowledge:
Snoop Dogg - Ain't No Fun (If The Homies Can't Have None)
Hey there, pop kids, what time is it?
I am, of course, using informal vernacular in order to establish a rapport. I can see perfectly well what time it is, as there is a clock in the bottom right corner of my computer. Modern life, eh? Tremendous stuff and not, as others will erroneously assert, rubbish.
To business. As I understand it, the great and the good of the hip and happening music scene have been asked to vapour on about a particularly important or obscure beat record, thus encouraging any readers to broaden their horizons and get a bit of voguish alternative pop down their necks. All well and good, of course, and the boys and girls at Sweeping the Nation are to be lauded for this noble undertaking.
Lord alone knows what I'm doing here, perhaps Stevie Malkmus was visiting Flamingoland this week and they were desperate. Whatever, I have plumped for the sweet, soulful sounds of Snoop Dogg (nee Doggy Dogg) and his upbeat bopper Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None).
I'm sure anyone with the faintest interest in music will be familiar with the modus operandi of the Doggfather. Essentially, his prime concerns are shooting chaps, cussing, smoking cannabis reefers, buying expensive motor cars and informing all and sundry of what an excellent fellow he is, taking particular care that everyone is full aware of how to spell his name.
All capital stuff, who wouldn't like that kind of thing? Particularly when hip-hop svengali and production genius Dr Dre is behind the mixing desk, laying down beats that those in the know regularly describe as "fat" or "dope".
Well, there is one small fly in the ointment. A lot of your rapping fellows, and Snoop in particular, have a rather rum attitude to the fairer sex. Whereas you or I choose to romance a girl, buy her chocolates or flowers, while always being respectful and treating her very much as an equal, Snoop and his fellow Dogg Pound homies see things a little differently.
This is exhibited best in the track under discussion, wherein Snoop and three of his pals enact a sort of 4 x 100m of misogyny, passing the microphone much in the style of an Olympic sprinter passing a baton. While many of the sentiments expressed here are clearly reprehensible, they do provide an insight into a particular state of mind.
Also, there is some tremendous swearing in there. Ready, steady, go!
First up is Nate Dogg, addressing his remarks to a female with whom he has recently got lucky. However in the cold light of day, a sea-change in his outlook has taken place.
"When I met you last night baby
Before you opened up your gap
I had respect for ya lady
But now I take it all back"
While this decrease in his esteem is regrettable, our Nate is nothing if not a pragmatist. He remembers the physical nature of their relationship and is willing to maintain contact with this good-time girl.
"Cause you gave me all your pussy
And ya even licked my balls
Leave your number on the cabinet
And I promise baby, I'll give you a call"
With a strong starting leg getting the homies off to a flying start, it's over to Kurupt to take it down the back stretch and inject a note of fiscal prudence, wisely noting
"Well, if Kurupt gave a fuck about a bitch I'd always be broke
I'd never have no motherfuckin indo to smoke"
Indo is apparently an american brand of loose tobacco, proving that some men prefer a good shag to, erm, a good shag. Kurupt's rather prosaic, functional attitude to the ladies continues as he further states
"I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me"
Kurupt seems to be a troubled young man, who, I feel, will probably soften his stance when he meets the right girl. However, the moment the crowd have been waiting for has arrived as the main man Ess-enn-double-o-pee takes the mic and hits top speed immediately with perhaps the most beautiful rhyming couplet to have been coined since Shakespeare was a shorty.
"Guess who's back in the motherfuckin' house?
With a fat dick for your motherfuckin' mouth"
A fat dick for your motherfuckin' mouth! Hats off, sir, that is undoubtedly the stuff to give 'em. Now there's a phrase you can roll around your mouth like a fine old port, eh? A bit of spin on the ball there and no mistaking.
Anyhow, the Snoopster develops the themes raised by Kurupt and sounds a warning for any young homie who may be getting entangled with an unsuitable damsel, particularly one who is wont to "pull a voodoo", whatever that may be.
"Hoes recognize, niggaz do too
Cuz when bitches get scandalous and pull a voodoo
What you gonna do? You really don't know
So I'd advise you not to trust that hoe"
Having opened his legs and shown his class, the rest of the field trailing in his wake, Snoop hands it over to Warren G to power down the home straight with some considered remarks regarding his much-loved reefers, his expensive vehicle, his gun and his compliant female companion.
"So back up bitch cuz i'm strugglin,
so get on your knees and then start jugglin
these motherfuckin nuts in your mouth
It's me, Warren G, the nigga with the glock"
And on that rather weak closing rhyme the record concludes and we listeners are left to reflect on what has taken place. We've shaken our thangs to Dr Dre's excellent P-funk grooves, we've shuddered at the callous, neanderthal attitudes of our four vocalists, we've been awestruck at Snoop's virtuoso potty-mouthery, but most of all we have resolved to try out that whole "getting your balls licked" thing mentioned in verse two. That's sure to be good.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "It Ain't No Fun", a record that will make you think, challenge your attitudes and enhance your bedroom bump and grind regime.
Who, I say who, could ask for more?
I'll bid you good day.